Death by Oreo cookie

Following an exciting but exhausting weekend, I’ve been laying low at my parents’ place. Three cheers for home cooking, my old bed, and bubble baths.

There are no fewer than four – four! – kinds of Oreos in the cupboard. There are original chocolate Oreos, Golden Vanilla Oreos, Chocolate Creme Oreos, and Oreo Cakesters.

Golden Vanilla Oreos have a white cookie instead of a chocolate cookie. To be fair, the cookies are slightly golden, but they have no discernable vanilla taste. Actually, the cookie just has a generically sweet taste, which is fleeting anyway. All you get is the creme filling.

Chocolate Creme Oreos are regular chocolate Oreos, but with – you guessed it – a chocolate centre. Of course, none of it actually tastes like chocolate.

Oreo Cakesters are the most revolting thing I’ve eaten in a long time. It tastes like two circles of industrial-strength chocolate cake (now with more calcium pyrophosphate!) held together with slimy white “filling” whose primary ingredient is probably petroleum by-product. It’s actually worse than Twinkie filling, if you can believe it. I almost want you to try it because it’s so brain-bustingly awful, but I don’t really want anyone else to experience the horror that is the Oreo Cakester.

Also, in a final food imposter hurrah, Oreo Cakesters are thoughtfully packaged in packs of two. Between the cardboard box, the foil wrapper, the plasticized cardboard that holds the Cakesters and the Cakesters themselves, I dare you to find something remotely edible.

Having said that, I’m holding myself back from the original chocolate Oreos. I think their secret ingredient is crack.

Published by: Eagranie

7 years as a chemist + 9 months of culinary school + 2 years as a pastry chef & chocolatier + a lifetime of writing = this blog. This blog won't always be about chocolate, but it will almost certainly be about food. The name of the blog is a triple play on words. 1. It's a nod to my training as a classical pianist. Among other fantastic accomplishments, J.S. Bach combined technical prowess with artistic inspiration and penned the 24 preludes & fugues that make up The Well-Tempered Clavier, Books I and II. 2. In order to behave properly, chocolate needs to be tempered. In a nutshell, tempering prompts the chocolate to assume its most stable crystalline form (beta prime, if you're interested) so that it is shiny, snappy, and as stable as it can be. 3. Depending on my mood and how we meet, you might agree that I'm well-tempered. Or not.

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5 thoughts on “Death by Oreo cookie”

  1. Oreo’s might be the world’s worst food, a real abomination, but I love them… I must be addicted to whatever they are made from (crack you said?).

    I have to admit I like Cakesters… sorry… I’m an idiot for anything that resembles a soft cake with frosting.

    My ultimate favorite Oreo treat so far is the new Oreo Sippers. OMG! oreo chocolate waffers in the shape of a straw that are filled with a thin layer of cream… pure joy, I am such an addict, that now I have to go to the store to get some!

  2. Joseph, vile they may be, but I have a serious weakness for the original chocolate ones. And strawberry Pocky.

    Marga, I’ve changed my mind. Instead of birthday pie, you get real cake and frosting. 🙂

  3. Oreo’s are turbo mega awesome. If I wouldn’t die I’d eat them for every meal. I’m pretty sure their made of all the worlds hopes and dreams and not actually crack. If a more delicious substance exists on earth, I have yet to put it in my mouth hole.

  4. Tim, I’m going to use “made of all the world’s hopes and dreams” in a future post. Full credit to you, of course. Love it.

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